*This article uses masculine pronouns to allow for a shorter read. Ladies, if you recognize one of your colleagues/friends, don’t hesitate to share it with them anyway! And if you recognize yourself… just keep it on the down low.
The Lazy One
Comfortable with being unemployed, The Lazy One agreed to come back to work under one condition: to help out once in a while and still get to collect his nice little unemployment check every two weeks. We’re not too sure if he’s still there, and when he pops up, we find ourselves exclaiming “Oh right, you still work here!”. It’s not that we don’t like the guy, but we have the bad habit of forgetting The Lazy One is still part of the team… yes, really, he is, even if he does only work five hours a week and doesn’t know anything about the new adapted menu.
The Conspirationist doesn’t believe in the whole “Covid-19” thing. Pandemic? Schmandemic. He’s convinced the Coronavirus was nothing but a mere fabrication by the government in order to control us, and he sighs and groans every time someone washes their hands. Don’t make the mistake of mentioning the pandemic to him, unless you feel like listening to him list off all the arguments that prove, without a doubt, that the Illuminati wants to infiltrate your brain and control your thoughts. Watch out to make sure he doesn’t start sprouting that stuff to customers in-between two orders.
The Well-Informed’s cellphone vibrates non-stop at all hours of the day - he has about fifteen notifications set up to let him know when a new article’s been published about the pandemic. He sees all, he hears all, he knows all. He knows all the stats by memory, and if it were up to him, he would’ve probably developed a vaccine already. Probably. He can explain to you the difference between Covid-19 and Covid-18, recommend the best brand of reusable masks out there, and tell you all about why gloves are a bad idea… all before you’ve had time to ask him if he needs help with his section.
It takes you a few minutes to recognize him, but yep, it’s really him: The Transformed, who put his free time in quarantine to good use by... trying something new. A new diet, a new haircut, a new style… His transformation is hard to miss, and just as hard to comment on. Was it better before? Hard to say. Is it better now? Even harder to say. All we know is that we’re happy not to have witnessed the different steps he went through between march and june. For his hair to get to that shade of green, he must’ve gone through the whole rainbow… Let’s just hope he doesn’t scare off the customers.
Any more than he already has. Somebody give him a hat, please.
The New Kid
It’s inevitable: with the PCU and unemployment checks rolling in, there’s bound to be a spring cleaning among the team. Some chose to keep their butts embedded in their couch, which means the boss had to find someone else to take that evening shift nobody else wanted. The New Kid is like a newborn lamb who’s not sure what to look at first. A fresh breeze among the team, we’re all relieved to focus on him and introduce him to the rest of the gang. Plus, with the health and safety regulations put in place, there’s time for him to actually breathe and learn how the place works slowly but surely… God, that lucky basta--